A change in rhythm

Sunday, 17 September 2017

It has been a while since I've been here, blogging gets pushed aside when life gets crazy and so it has been for the past couple of months, I quite miss pouring my heart out and attempting to take good photos!

Almost three months ago we welcomed our baby Adam to the world, my heart melts every time I see his pure smile and eyes lighten up with joy to see mama coming for him.  I believe Adam's arrival was the happiest moment me and my family were blessed with after my father passing away last year.  It's been very hard and unmanageable at times to say the least, I have talked about this matter here on my blog and wished and prayed our heart ache might stop for some time.  Adam was less than a month old when my dear mum was diagnosed with colon cancer IV, since that very moment our lives changed, my mum changed, the disease had the upper hand and there were so many moments nothing could be done but watch and pray.  The fast and sudden change of rhythm had shaken us all very badly, nothing of what we expected happened, fast spiralling is very scary!

The feeling of helplessness can be very bitter, me being very far away made me feel the guilt I always carry! why? I have always been very close to my parents, they both have been the most caring and loving parents I could ever wish for.  But guilt gets me, I feel that at their most vulnerable times of life I could not be there for them, the circumstances were against me and a visit home the previous years was literarily impossible.  At the end of the day I always get reminded to not be so hard on myself and that we were not built to control everything nor we can!

Trying to cope with that, as an attempt to control my anxiety I tried to set myself for some challenges and keep my mind busy, as reading cancer scholar researches was turning into a toxic addiction carrying very dark thoughts, with my biology background I wanted to read it all, know it all and get ready to face it all! but that's never how it normally goes ...

I tried to start a new hobby and worked very hard on my Etsy shop, challenged myself and pushed very hard, even attempted potty trying Joud "such a bad time" when you need patience the most!. Resumed eating clean and jumped into a whole new workout routine that I enjoy and probably helped me the most!
I failed a few of my new distractions, and went on with others very well, until the day my mum got very poorly and was hospitalised, time stopped and the bad thoughts started to rise once again.  

While I'm writing this today, I've started packing up to go home, to where I last saw my father and my mother closed the door after me kissing me goodbye wishing me luck in my new life with my husband and pursuing my academic dreams.
To the place I love and spent much of my younger years in, I'm praying and trust the most merciful's plans and can't but imagine cuddling my mum like never before telling her all about the 3 years and 9 months I lived far away from her, cook her favourite meal and talk about good old memories we lived with dad.  That's while Joud is running around planning her mischief,  and Adam holding on to auntie Zeina's hand, chatting away with my backbone of a sister Arwa and goofing around with Kariem!